I have easily forgotten how the world looked like without having Keratoconus.
I had to live with it. And by the time when I realised it, I was wanting to pursue my dream as a filmmaker. I have so many stories that I want to tell and share with the world. I have always dreamed to inspire and touch people’s lives through my works.
But, it was all too late.
You are a complete joke. Why did you have to come? You changed my vision and literally too of how I perceived the world. Because of you, every day, I squint my eyes so I could see and read properly.
Often when my friends do share with me things from their phones, I usually grab their phones so I could process the information better. People judge me for that and it didn’t help the fact that I look like I am always frowning to them. They think I am always angry.
Don’t you judge me for that.
I am never like that and always explained that it was Keratoconus. Upon hearing that, they would think that “glasses” and “LASIK” would make my problem just go away.
Ha. I wished that my problem is that easy.
After receiving my horrible “O” Level results, I knew from the very beginning that it is important for me to choose a diploma that gave me as many opportunities as possible to be a filmmaker. Throughout my early teens, I knew that I just wanted to make movies and television shows. This was heavily inspired that all the Youtube videos that I have watched back then.
(Editor's note: I talked about how I started with making videos in my previous post.)
Being in Motion Graphics & Broadcast Design at Nanyang Polytechnic has obviously honed me as a designer and filmmaker respectively. During my 3 years of study, I struggled as a motion graphics designer. Every single lesson that has some sort of motion graphics attached to it was painful to me. I found myself struggling with the fundamentals of art. It was a challenge to produce a stunning motion graphics piece that matched everyone’s standards. I always shared the same level of frustration that every lecturer had in me. Despite this, my grades are average, which I am grateful for.
When given film and photography projects (which are pretty rare), I thought that I did okay. Of course, I was passionate about it. But being that wasn’t good enough. Without any much lessons about writing screenplays, filmmaking, storytelling, and productions, I would stand no chance of competing against any film students. The only real experience is all the experimental films that I have produced in school and the embarrassing short skits done with my friends using my trusted Handycam during my secondary school days.
Year 3 approaches and we were required to do complete our 3 months internship at a local/overseas company. I requested for the local commercial broadcasting company as I wanted to learn about productions as much as possible. Thankfully, my wish was granted.
However, this was also when I learned about my Keratoconus diagnosis in 2016. During my internship period, it was mandatory for me to go for a health screening. This was for my 2-years National Service that I due to serve the following year.
When I was doing the eye test, the optometrist on duty learned that my ability to read off the letters were atrocious. When asked whether I brought my spectacles, I mentioned that my spectacles were broken as I sat on it.
Quickly, the problem was escalated to the ophthalmologist on duty. Upon a quick check on my eyes, he said…
“Do you know that you have Keratoconus?”
“Kera what?” I replied.
“Keratoconus.” He corrected me. “It is a progressive eye disease that results in the progressive thinning of the round cornea and slowly forming into a cone-like shape.”
I couldn’t remember much of what he said next because my mind was filled with all the what-ifs and uncertainties. Then next, I thought of my vision. How do I be a filmmaker if I can’t see well?
Damn it. I just wanted to be a filmmaker.
I shut myself off immediately. White backgrounds everywhere as my display pictures across my socials. I didn’t reply to anyone and kept that to myself as I didn’t know how to face that to anyone. I was in bed during the weekends. Sometimes, I would cry myself to sleep. I dreamt so much about my upcoming failures. I was so worried that I wouldn’t have a future. I didn’t dare to touch my eyes, because I know if I do that my vision will worsen. Whether I liked it or not, I still had to face the reality. I was midway through my internship and approximately 7 months to graduation. I needed to pick myself up. I knew that I have to push away my fear and to embrace this curse. The question is: How?
Photography has been something that I wanted to pursue since the start of my 3 years of diploma studies. I didn’t have the money and time. But, now that I have Keratoconus with me, I wanted to start learning to appreciate my surroundings before my eyesight degenerates further. I use this opportunity to start a long-running photography series, The Keratoconus Experiment.
I had two simple rules for the photography series.
To observe the beauty of my surroundings during my travels.
If I do see a moment that is worthy of capture, quickly whip out my phone to take a photo. If the photo turns out great, great! Otherwise, learn from it.
Taking pictures, in the beginning, was really difficult and my sense of photo editing was basic at first. Over time, I have learned the golden rules of photography, understanding compositions and lighting, and using manual settings. I have transitioned from editing on Instagram to VSCO to Adobe Photoshop to Adobe Lightroom. Along the way, I learned so much about editing and eventually developed my own style.
Once in a while, I return back to locations that recapture moments and used it as an opportunity to see how much I have grown as a photographer.
We are at image 264 and this April, I will be celebrating the 4th anniversary since the creation of the photography series. If I didn’t have Keratoconus, I wouldn’t have ventured into photography and wouldn’t have a newfound passion for filmmaking. Yes, having Keratoconus while trying to be a filmmaker may sound like a joke to you.
But, slowly every single day, I often find myself stronger than my obstacle posed to me.
Now, I ain’t afraid to share my condition with the people around me. I am not asking for sympathy because all I want is to spread awareness about Keratoconus. I hope to use this photography series to educate people and inspire individuals around. Hopefully one day, there will be a cure to this disease.
I am always constantly trying to be a better person. I was devastated back then. But even if I have such a setback, I will get back on my feet, with each image at a time because I know that the best is yet to come.
